Every day is like the film Ground Hog Day for Jill Price, a woman with an astonishing memory for the details of her life since she was a child. Diane Sawyer interviewed her last night on the ABC program 20/20. Price is able to remember everything that ever happened down to the dates and she’s written a book, The Woman Who Can’t Forget. She compares the phenomenon to having a “split screen” in her head. Her memory captures her daily life as if on video tape, while at the same time memories of her past are playing in complete detail on the other screen. Price says this continual reliving of past events and emotions makes it hard for her to move on with her life.

This got me thinking about a recent unpleasant incident that brought back a flood of memories from childhood I’d tried very hard to forget. I think there’s a point in your life when you mature when you have to let go of old resentments and unhappiness. This incident though opened the vault where I’d stored my ‘video tapes’ and they all came back in full alive again. I recognized that the ‘freshness’ of the pain I felt at reliving these memories meant that I hadn’t dealt with these emotions, merely suppressed them for several decades.

After this I spent several weeks meditating on forgiving and forgetting. What I focused on was that each of us has their issues that we take with us into adulthood that at times cause us to react just as we did when we were children. During times when we feel threatened we don’t think; we just strike back reflexively. What I needed to learn was to detach from the ‘strike’ and not take it personally. So often the reason we carry our past wounds with us is because we’ve taken it as a personal attack. Separating who we truly are at our core - where all is always well - from the outward personality that believes it has suffered an affront and wears it like a badge of honor is the answer. After working on this issue I do feel that I’ve made strides toward putting the past behind me – again.

As a friend of mine said at a Sahaja yoga meditation session we attended together this week, “I forgave some people from my past that I’d blamed for certain things and I feel lighter, as if something lifted from me.” And, it’s true. When we forgive we do feel lighter – and free. Free of the ‘kicked in the stomach feeling’ those memories had us reliving because of our attachment to blaming and resentment of others. When you stop and think about it blaming someone for something long after the event occurred is absurd. After all you’re the one that’s suffering right now in the present, and it’s likely that the other person hasn’t thought about you in years.

Moving on and forgiveness is also something we ought to apply to ourselves more often. Some past decisions still float up to haunt me once in a while such as not finishing graduate work in media studies after all the effort it took to quit my job to go back to school, and then going back into banking again. The emotions I still feel over this decision make it evident that I haven’t forgiven myself. The only answer is to either take action and correct the situation, or get over it and accept what is which is another work in progress I’m tackling.

But, this brings me to the realization I had after watching the segment on 20/20 of why the saying, ‘forgive and forget’ exists in the first place. If you’ve truly forgiven – you have to forget otherwise you’ll live with a split screen in your head just like Jill Price. Instead we can choose to learn from our past and grow more conscious so that we do things differently in the present like Murray’s character did in Ground Hog Day.

Pure Divine Love is no meek priest OR tight banker. It will smash all your windows. And only then throw in the holy gifts. Hafiz, I Heard God Laughing

Since my last post I received an email and one comment regarding selling my house that I wanted to address since both had to do with “letting go of stuff.” Here are the excerpts:

“One question you could perhaps ask yourself is - If the market were strong today would I definitely sell? Is it just the fact that the market is down - or is it really that you do not want to give up living in the house? I am in the middle of reading Eckhart Tolle’s book that Oprah has been doing the online class for (A New Earth - Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose). It’s really thought provoking.”

&

“I think that your dream was a clear sign that you need to let go of the house and move on to your passion. Trust that things will fall into place to support that choice, which I hear is the one you want to make.

Actually, what you are teaching others is to not make “stuff” the focus of their world because it doesn’t feed the soul. The house that you have become attached to is actually “stuff” too. It is weighing you down with responsibility and making you very unhappy. My advice is to let it go, sell it, get out from under it. There really is no right timing–follow your heart–your passion!”

First, thank you both very much for your insights. I agree that my dream was a clear sign to make the career change.

It’s also true that I’ve become attached to this house. I can go on living here as long as I stay in my current job where my earning potential is greater – and that’s what is weighing me down. Originally, I’d planned on selling after my prepayment penalty expired, and I’d finished the renovations. But, when the market stalled in 2006 I decided to wait to see if it would pick up again and that’s why I’m still here, plus by then I’d developed another attachment - making a profit on the sale. So, the slow market does play a factor in my reluctance to sell right now. If the market were appreciating this decision would be far less difficult. Now, I’m hoping to break even – a new attachment.

I’m almost finished reading A New Earth. I’m finding it much easier to read than The Power of Now. I haven’t done all the online sessions with Oprah and Eckhart, but the ones I did view answered many questions. His explanation of how our egos need to create attachments and identities to stay ‘alive’ is really an eye-opener. I’m working on peeling away the layers of attachment I’ve developed. It’s not an overnight process. Knowing your attached is the first step; detaching takes getting used to.

Over the years I’ve read books by various authors on the topic of awakening from the illusion of the ego, but understanding something intellectually and living it are two different things. It takes mindfulness and a deep spiritual maturity. The first big detachment I experienced was leaving a private banking career to go back to school. It took me years to detach enough to make that decision. The greatest tool I found to date is Sahaja yoga meditation. Without it I don’t think I could have detached from the identity of my former career. All I can say is that I still have a long, long way to go, but I view each day as an opportunity to try again.

To smashing windows!

P.S. This house has 35 windows if you count the garage.

I’ve been struggling for a while with several major decisions. Should I sell my house to get rid of the debt and maintenance costs so I can make a career change? And, if I do sell how far away do I have to move to find affordable housing? Or, should I sell and rent for a while and stay in the area?

Honestly, even though I’m in the mortgage/real estate business even I can’t predict where this market is going. Some veterans in the field claim we’re looking at late 2008 recovery, and yet others say it could take two or three years or more to pick up. Who knows?

In the mean time, I’ve been offered an opportunity, by a very dear friend, to work for her marketing and public relations firm. I’d be writing, and contributing creatively as well as working on bringing in new business which sounds perfect. I’m drawn to the writing and creative aspects as well as to the business development and sales, since I’m good at this and enjoy it as well. But, what’s stopping me is the unresolved issue with the house – can I afford to keep my house and make this career change too? I’m pretty sure I can’t. Understandably, I would be starting at a lower salary since I’m new to this industry. Anyway, I’ve been going round and round with this decision for a few months now.

I’ve tried to be very calm about the whole thing and have been ‘telling’ myself that the answers would come to me at the right time. The last thing I want to do is panic and make a decision prematurely. I know that I want to work at the public relations company – the question is can I do it without selling my house? I really don’t want to sell in this down market, plus having moved 13 times in my life - the thought of packing again feels overwhelming. I also happen to enjoy the privacy of living in a home versus a condo, or apartment. But, I’ve been complaining for months about how much work it is to maintain a home, especially when you’re by yourself. So, part of me wants to move back to a condo, but another part of me doesn’t. This inner conflict and flip-flopping is driving me crazy. It’s all I think about lately too, and frankly I’m sick of it. I want this issue resolved.

Over the weekend I slept later than usual and had this dream:

I was married again – though I was aware that I didn’t want to be, it felt familiar. The mood in the house was serious, dark and Darth Vader-like. I felt my inner light being squelched-out by these very controlling vibes. It was 9 pm and he said it was time to go to sleep. I didn’t want to – it was too early and still light out. I looked out the window and saw people out strolling and heard them laughing and talking. We had a spat over this and I went downstairs to get away and be alone. I realized at that moment I had a choice. I could leave. I didn’t have to stay and be miserable. The only thing was I was barefoot and in my night-gown and didn’t want to be seen like this by my neighbors. Then I remembered I had a long sweater in the back of the car that I could throw over me when I got home and walked from the parking lot to my condo. (I seemed to have moved to a condo?). I left and knew he’d be wondering what happened to me but I didn’t care anymore.

Then suddenly I was walking in an unfamiliar neighborhood in Manhattan, but I ‘knew’ I was going in the right direction. I was following my instincts, and not panicking, while I made my way toward a subway station that I ‘felt’ would be up ahead over a hill I was about to climb. I ‘knew’ if I got to that subway station I could figure out how to get home.

I feel strongly that this dream was giving me my answer.

Interpretation: Leave the security of the safe, but worn-out environment that’s bringing me down and keeping me feeling small. Take back control of your life. Make the career change even if you feel ill-prepared – who cares what anyone thinks! You’ll improvise. You’ll feel lost at first but eventually you will find your way home. Plus, feeling your way in new situations is exciting. You’ll feel alive again.

As far my living in a condo again in my dream – I’m still resisting that for some reason. I can’t visualize that FOR SALE sign on my front lawn just yet. Could it be that it’s the right answer, but just not the right time? I do believe it has to ‘feel’ right too.

Aren’t dreams amazing?

Hi, this is Angela Artemis of The Anti-Millionaire.

I’ve decided to start this blog to write about my journey shifting from a banking, finance and mortgage lending career to something that resonates more with who I’ve become in the last 20 years. I’m hoping the frequent commentary documenting my pursuit to support myself in a more creative field along with my financial insights on how to eliminate debt and finance this phase in my life will be helpful to others as well. I’d also welcome comments from readers who have suggestions to contribute based upon their experiences making a mid-life career change, or eliminating debt.

I want to explain why I chose The Anti-Millionaire as the name for my blog. It’s not that I have anything against millionaires, trust me I have nothing against being wealthy, what I do have a problem with though is people living above their means and acquiring piles of debt. Over the years I’ve seen hundreds of clients, many of whom were struggling under mountains of credit card debt and house payments, who came to me for help and payment relief. And, while I was able help most of them what I couldn’t understand was how just a few years later many would be back to cash-out more of their home equity to pay off new credit card debt they’d acquired. The thing was when I’d ask them what all the debt was for half the time it was not for medical bills, or college tuition or to cover a catastrophic event – it was simply to buy STUFF; stuff they could’ve easily lived without. So, the Anti-Millionaire is about living within your means and using restraint and responsibility when it comes to creating debt in order to be free to make lifestyle choices later-on when the time arises.

Another reason I chose The Anti-Millionaire is related to my own desire for a mid-life career change. Though I do freelance as a writer now, I’ve never made a living at it because when it came time to find a “real” job I’ve always followed the money and security, and not my passion. Now that I’m in my 40s I realize that working just to make money isn’t something I’m going to be able to do for another 25 years. I’ve reached an impasse, and with half my life behind me time’s become more precious. So, I’ve decided to become more mindful with my choices and trust the process – and the universe rather than allowing fear to guide me in my decisions.

And last – I chose The Anti-Millionaire because I’m concerned about the environment and the huge amount of waste each household contributes to killing our planet each year. The Anti-Millionaire brings to mind the notion of rejecting the culture of conspicuous consumption in our society in order to focus instead on the experience of living, rather than the stuff we can acquire.

It’s time to do what I love everyday, so I’m starting now to create a simpler lifestyle around the things I truly value. I value doing work I get lost in – not work I lose my soul for. I value time for reflection and meditation - not spending hours in meetings or on conference calls. I crave work/life balance – and creating wonderful memories of a life well-lived and enjoyed.